I had messed up. Again. “How did I miss that?”, I thought. I felt my anxiety start to whirl and self-defeat started it’s soundtrack in my head.
And then He said, “Hey, dear one. What if I told you that this is right where I want you? Don’t you feel yourself leaning in, sitting at my feet, digging into My Word and what I say about you? Your supposed failure to be independent is my recipe for humanity– dependence on Me. Let go. Surrender. I have you…okay?”
How many times I will have this conversation, I am not sure, but I am certain that was not the last time. Isn’t it hard, when everything in us wants to become “good” at this whole life thing, to realize that that is not actually the goal? That maybe we are never supposed to become comfortable at being uncomfortable here? Because the tension that is experienced in the space between who we are now and who we want to be in Jesus will always require pushing ourselves and leaning into Him.
That settled feeling? That one where we look at all the areas of our lives and we kinda do a mental checklist, as if to say- “we have arrived”-, it does not occur on this side of Heaven. But that’s because our bags weren’t packed to stay here. Our stay is temporary so our souls will always feel in transition. That, my friends, I am learning is our greatest gift of all. This lesson is pushing me and taking me places that have my hands shaking, because– well, to be honest, 90 years is still a long time to be at a pit stop.
But that is exactly where I’m seeing Jesus open my eyes. As I set goals to become “good” at this life, He reminds me my value has already been set! He reminds me that my time here is short, even when my days feel long. He reminds me that my flesh wants to feel settled, but my heart knows it never will. However, what it will feel is surrendered. At peace. Free from the need to perform, and reminded of the need to let go.
You, dear One, when your life feels a bit heavy or you just feel unsure, bend your knees. Take the bricks off your back and the pressure off your shoulders. Take a deep breath in, and another one out, and remind yourself– Victory is found in the surrender.
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” -Matthew 16:24-25
“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it.” -Mark 8:35