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All your bags were packed + things were ready for your first big day. You would’ve thought you were going cross country without access to snacks—I suppose I just wanted to make extra sure that YOU were ready.
That had been my prayer—“Father, just show me when he is ready…or if he isn’t…help me position him to thrive.”
But the craziest thing is—you opened my eyes. Waking you up on your first day, watching you do your usual routine, you spent a little longer looking at me. You held my hand when I read your little prayer out loud, like you KNEW—because I swear that you did—that you were ready. I suppose I wasn’t.
I was but I wasn’t because I think that’s just how it goes. Love and letting go and sacrifice and growth and new beginnings. My heart was FULL of expectation + anticipation, all while beating to the tune of, “Where does the time go?” And “How faithful is our God!”
Two years ago, your daddy and I were pleading with God to let us hold you on this side of Heaven. We’d do anything. And here we are, dropping you off for a short day of school + watching you thrive.
I expected God to be God but I still wasn’t ready for all the goodness it meant.
I wasn’t ready to be flooded with so many emotions as I watched this little person walk with BIG courage into the unknown.
I wasn’t ready to see you interact with strangers who so quickly became your friends because you knew Jesus made all of you.
I wasn’t ready to witness the perseverance you’ve fought for your whole life come to fruition as you pushed past another obstacle + whispered in our own little language, “Mama, me + Jesus got this.”
I wasn’t ready to see your flexible faith be a lesson to my yearning to control your experience.
I wasn’t ready + yet, I suppose I also was.
Because you + Jesus helped me to be.
You remind me all the time that life is lived by the lens in which you see it. And baby boy, you see it with so much delight + joy—it is wondrous to watch you discover the world.
And you know what? Maybe we aren’t “ready” until we move…until we step…until we fall into Jesus’ arms + let Him do the heavy lifting.
I love you, angel. Now—go hammer time🔨💪🏻 I’m already excited to pick you up.